Replacing A Baby With A Burrito

January 20, 2017

Life in the Boomer Lane is in Charleston, where Youngest Child and Daughter-in-Law have just produced their first child, after a mere 36-hour labor. DIL is a yoga and natural food devotee and so was the perfect subject for the doula’s attempt to place her body in more positions than are contained in the Kama Sutra, in an attempt to eject Beloved Offspring. At one point, the doula asked DIL to place her ankle on YC’s shoulder. She asked if DIL could do that. DIL answered, “Yes. How else do you think I got into this mess?” While the limits of human delivery were being reached, LBL and Mom of DIL were in the hospital waiting area. They passed the hours by becoming increasingly more slap happy. Political banter quickly degenerated into discussions of celebrity splits and whether Judge Judy would make the guy on the screen pay for his ex-girlfriend’s smashed car. The snack machine was employed numerous times, less for nutrients than for a way to alleviate boredom. Just as they had exhausted both themselves and all items in the snack machine, they were informed that DIL was being taken in for an emergency C-section. Now a new topic of conversation was introduced: how the human body, deprived of sleep and operating on the nutrition provided by Cheezits, would deal with a potentially serious situation. The answer was: hysteria. By the time the surgery was completed, neither LBL nor Mom of DIL were coherent. YC came into the area and...

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